Rambling

It's difficult to talk with your OB and discuss what plans you want for your new baby. Not the type of plans you normally think of...what kind of name, breastfeeding right after delivery, skin-to-skin time, rooming in, etc. No, not those kind of plans... It's difficult and surreal to talk about what type and form (and if any) of intervention you would want the doctors to take to either save or prolong your new baby's life. Those kind of conversations are hard. I understand that everyone, all the different specialists and doctors need to know what our personal feelings are and that's it's important we do it early. But it was very difficult to think about it, let alone talk about it. I never pictured myself in that situation. I naively went through three previous births with little complications. These talks were never had nor even mentioned. I think it's hard too because we know so little. I almost feel like we're jumping the gun. Maybe, just maybe our baby will be born perfectly healthy, just really small. Maybe. Maybe we'll never have to have these type of conversations again. Maybe. Or maybe having these conversations will give Klint and me the time needed to really think about it. Maybe it'll make it easier if those type of situations do arise. But I don't think so. I'm quickly approaching my 30th birthday, but I feel like I've aged much more than that these past few months. I worry about posting this on my blog...I feel like being very private about all this. But I feel like I've got it get it outside of me, instead of having these thoughts swirling around inside me threatening to spill out at any moment. But for me, this morning, it feels right. I'm trying to learn to live in the moment more. To live for today. Matthew 6:34 " Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" If I think and worry and think about what the future may hold for me I feel myself go crazy. I can handle today. I can handle making lunch for my three very energetic kids, I can handle taking a rest in the afternoon, and I can definitely handle putting dinner in the oven(thanks Kristin!). Those are the things I can handle. I can't worry (or try not to) what the Pediatric cardiologist may saw tomorrow, or worry if the ribs have grown and are allowing more space for the lungs. That's tomorrow. Today I can handle straightening my hair, feeling Cole move around inside me, taking the kids to the Science Spectrum. Today I can worry about the germs they will be ingesting while at the museum and how many times I can get them to use hand sanitizer. I can worry about that. And I can keep giving myself these pep talks.