3/26/2012

I hope no one but me reads this. I'm only posting it here, because I want to keep my thoughts that I've written all in one place. But alas, if someone does read it please realize this post is for me.

Today was the last day I nursed Cole. I've had the great blessing, and at times a hardship, to nurse him for almost six months. After Cole was born and in the NICU I wanted desperately to feed him. I couldn't touch him, but I knew I could pump and at least provide that for him. When I was finally given the ok to attempt nursing I was thrilled. The neonatologists were so skeptical, they thought he was still too small and even gave me that "don't be too discourage when this doesn't work out". But Cole made it work! He had his hiccups, but he kept at it, and so did I. I love nursing. I love the quietness and softness that it brings to what can be, and very often is, a stressful day caring for a newborn and three other children. I looked forward to cuddling with Cole by myself, without interruptions. It was our time together. It was quiet and still and sweet. Many times I would start nursing and then would read something on my Ipod, or catch up on emails. But sometimes I would catch myself just starring at his fingers, or caressing his check. This all sounds so funny, so much more serious than maybe it should be, but I feel like a part of me is grieving. Grieving that once again I couldn't provide for him. He's just not growing and gaining the weight they need him to. He's still below the 1%. I knew this day was coming, I knew walking into his 6 month check up that the pediatrician was going to suggest that we wean him, and although I knew it was coming, I still wasn't prepared for it. Don't think I'm not grateful. I. am. so. grateful. So grateful that I had the opportunity to nurse him for six (!) months. So grateful that my body produced the milk (although not quite what he needs), so very grateful. But I am going to miss that special time with him. But now I get to share him more with Klint and more with my kids. They so very much want to help give him his bottles now. So, although I am sad, I know it's what's best for us. Although I hurt physically and a bit emotional right now, I hope I hope I hope these supplements will give Cole what he needs. Will give his legs those deliciously squeezable thighs. Or at least the boost to the 10% that the doctors are hoping for. The smell of the concentrated formula mixed with oil makes me want to vomit, and the unnaturalness (mostly of the oil smell)of it makes me sad, but I am also grateful that it's available to us. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'll miss the convenience and ease nursing provides. No bottles to wash (uggh!) nothing to warm while he's crying for food, and no worries that I need to run to store to pick more up. An extra $350 a month out of a budget makes me want to cry too :-)

I loved it when Cole would nurse and then fall asleep. That makes me smile right now, just thinking about it. Happy happy sigh.