Halloween

At the Hobbs house, we have long been defenders of Halloween as quite possibly the best holiday of them all - after all, it is a holiday solely devoted to the indulgence of a number of vices (vanity and gluttony being but two of them) that would garner shame on any other day of the year. But beneath all of the costumes and debauchery, Halloween is really a holiday about giving. All other holidays really pale in comparison (Christmas = too capitalistic; Valentine's Day = too exclusionary; St. Patrick's Day = well, anything that green can't be good for you). No, Halloween is probably the most purely altruistic day out there. Unfortunately, after spending about an hour and a half trick-or-treating last night, I feel as if it is my responsibility to note some troubling trends that I've seen cropping up as of late. I'm emphasizing these problems as an invitation to those who have forgotten the true meaning of Halloween to return to the fold, as it may be.

First off, no matter how much candy comes from a trunk-or-treat, receiving candy from the rear end of someone's car is not a good thing. In the 1970's, if a policeman saw someone handing out small wrapped items from the trunk of a car to a group of strangely dressed kids, odds are he or she would be arrested for dealing drugs. Yet as silly as it is, in the last few years this activity has strangely enough gained a degree of legitimacy in the eyes of many parents. I've heard arguments that it creates a safer environment for the kids to be in or, relatedly, that at a trunk or treat you know everyone that you're getting candy from. I don't buy these arguments, if for no other reason than that I sincerely wonder if someone crazy enough to poison children's candy is going to have his insane plan foiled by having to hand it out in a church parking lot instead of from his house ("What? I have to keep my poison candy in the trunk of my car? Well that foils everything!") No, I believe that if we were truly honest with ourselves we would have to admit that it's pure laziness and nothing else. Trunk-or-treating is an excuse remain comfortable, both socially and physically, and it needs to stop. Door-to-door trick or treating should not be messed around with.

Second, if you do go trick-or-treating, then WALK. We saw more than a few people who would drive their kids from house to house, remaining out front while their kids collected the candy and then picking them up and driving two doors down to the next house. Granted, it can get a little cold trick-or-treating, but all you're really doing is teaching their kids that they never have to work for anything in life. Heaven forbid that they work a few calories off by walking from door to door. Seriously, people wonder why there's an obesity epidemic? Of course, I suppose if your daughter's costume shows more skin than fabric (like the teeny-I-dream-of-Jeannie bikini - try saying that five times fast - that we saw last night on an 8 year old), the cold might become a problem. But really, I think this is almost a stranger practice than the trunk-or-treat.

And third, like I mentioned above, WATCH WHAT YOUR KIDS WEAR. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think that midriff-baring miniskirt cheerleader costumes are appropriate for 6 year old girls! Not to mention the go-go dancer or prostitute costumes that we saw! I suppose if you're trying to send the message that your daughter's primary source of validation in life should be her appearance, or that her body is the best means to get attention, then you're on the right track. Whatever happened to trying to be scary on Halloween? Stop trying to sex up my holiday.

So if you find yourself guilty of one or more of these insidious practices, I ask you to stop. Reevaluate the holiday. If you really think about it, I know you'll do the right thing. If not, I'll come to your church parking lot next Halloween and let the air out of your tires. That'll teach you to trunk-or-treat...