Joyful Tender Mercies

This is my personal account of joyful moments, and journaling...so I continue to share some of my innermost feelings and thoughts.  Often these are too raw to share in person, but I must keep a record of them, and this is my writing place :-)

I have struggled.  These past few months have been harder then I ever thought.  I have always known that I will be able to get through any challenge that the Lord sees fit for me.  But my heart has had trouble feeling what my mind knows.  It's just been so hard.

Today in Sacrament meeting I made a concerted effort to have the sacrament be a more meaningful time of worship.  Last family home evening we had a lesson on it, and I felt it was more for me, than anyone else.  I began to pray fervently during the music, listening carefully to the prayer, and then continuing to pray during the passing.  My heart became extremely heavy as I began to feel how much I needed my Savior.  How broken I am.  How many many many mistakes I had made during the week, how much I needed to be made clean again.  How much I needed to be made whole again.  How very much I needed the Atonement.  I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed to be made whole again.  I prayed for much sought after peace.  Peace that I know can only come from my Savior.  Peace that I have missed.  As I prayed, the tears came.  My loving amazing Husbando put his arms around me and just held me.  Not asking if I was ok, because he knew, he always knows.  While I prayed I felt in my mind the words, "this is what a broken heart and a contrite spirit feel like.  This is humility, and humility is what I require of you and what you needed before you can begin to heal"  Afterwards I prayed to just feel my Saviors love for me.  Not a miracle, just to feel His love... for me.

My Heavenly Father answered that prayer, and that's what I most want to record and thus remember.  In Young Woman's, a most choice daughter  prepared part of the lesson on gaining a testimony of Jesus Christ.  She shared a conference talk that has meant alot to her in her life. In the first few paragraphs I found the beginnings to prayers I have offered since losing my Nana.  This General Authority spoke on the challenges we face in life. He said some of the challenges are very difficult, and some we can overcome through much trial.  But some challenges we will not overcome in this life, and will only overcome in the life to come.  I have been praying to overcome this grief, this emptiness, this loneliness.  But I felt that I need to stop praying for that.  I felt that I need to accept that this challenge will be with me until this life is done, but it will be ok. I don't know how, but it was the first glimmer of peace I have felt.  I felt my Saviors love for me through that Young Woman, through that General Conference talk.

I felt my Savior's love for me through the Testimony of two Missionaries, who stopped by our house tonight.  Who bore sincere testimony of the Plan of Salvation and of Jesus Christ.  Who radiate the Spirit of the Lord.

I felt my Savior's love for me when the Young Women stopped by my house tonight and caroled love songs to me.  They loved me enough to sing to me, and include me when I had family arrangements that made it so I couldn't go with them.

I felt my Savior's love for me when someone heart attacked our house with a plate of cookies on my door steps.

I felt my Savior's love when He loved me enough to answer my humble prayer.