Gods Love

Not even sure why I am writing, mainly because I don't know how I am feeling.  I feel so scattered.  Sometimes I feel deep happiness...peace I would say.  And the next moment I feel extreme heaviness and sorrow...broken.  But I have found that writing helps me to feels God love for me.  I guess that's why I started to write, because I want to feel His love for me.   I want to recognize the innumerable blessings around me, hand picked and sent to me from Him.  And I know, because I have tried Him in times past, that counting my blessings is one sure way to get a pick me up.  I need a pick me up today.  I miss my Nana so much I can't even talk about it with people other than my husbando.  I feel very blest for my children.  Blest that I can't wallow too long with them around because they need me.  They need me to do things for them, they need me to listen, they need me to reassure them.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hide my feelings of sorrow or grief around them, whenever I sniffle (because I have a tiny cold) they all perk up to see if I'm crying again.  I want them to see me grieve, to see that it's ok.  It's ok to cry and not feel "good" or happy for a while.  It just means you loved that person an awful lot.  But I am grateful because I am needed by them, I can't stay in my low of low points  too long, they have a way of snapping me out of it.  I am grateful to them because I still want to celebrate this season.  They lost their Nanny for a little while, they shouldn't miss out on the season as well.  I love the Christmas season, and feel that I have an extra reason to celebrate and rejoice, coming to understand the birth and Atonement on yet another new level...but at the same time I am too weary to really go about the motions.  But I do it anyway, for my kids.  And while I am doing it I am happy.  I am happy because I know that's exactly what my Nana would like me to do.  She would be so angry at me if I didn't, and it feels good to imagine her smiling at my actions.
I have felt God's love for me through many other people this week.  Another testimony that we are God's hands to help lift those that hang low.  I didn't want to go to Young Women's yesterday.  I just didn't feel cheerful, and they were having a Christmas party.  But one of my sweet sweet Laurels tagged me in a facebook post expressing her love for me.  And it made me feel happy, and it made me want to fullfill my calling and hug that sweet sweet lady for helping me feel God's love for me.
I have felt God's love for me when another choice daughter left me a very long text of how it was for her to grieve after the passing of her mother.  As I read it, I  recognized it, and I felt love.
I have Felt God's love for me every time my handsome husbando wraps me in his arms and lets me sob into his shirt.  He knows he doesn't have to say a word, he just holds me and I don't feel so lost anymore.  I feel grounded when I am in his arms.  And I feel love.
I have felt God's love for me when I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning.  I saw it peeking out of the kitchen window and to be real, I didn't want to look at it, I turned away.  But something inside prodded me to look and appreciate.  So I did, and I am so glad I did.