But I still miss you

Dear Nana,

It's been over 6 weeks since you passed on.  I was floored by this realization today.  I think of you every. single. day.  I miss you more than I can express.  So many times during the day I think of things I want to call you about.  Or in mid chuckle, I tell myself to remember this so I can tell you when you call next.  And the spilt second later I remember.  Then my heart hurts and I am lost in my thoughts for awhile.  Klint seems to always know when I am thinking of you.  He says I get a look in my eye.  The hurt and sadness is always there, just under the surface.  It's weird because something completely unrelated to you will go wrong and I will get upset about it, and then I am even more upset because being upset reminds me of missing you.

Emily had to make a poster about her life for Kindergarten this week.  She wanted to put a bunch of pictures of her and you on it.  As I was going through our bucket of printed pictures I was taken by how many (nearly all) involved you, your house, or your generosity.  And then I am not so taken back because you have always been so involved with me. With every aspect of my life.

I feel defensive and and almost mad when people find out my grandmother (you) passed away.  They quickly give their apologies and then just as quickly move on.  I often get the sense that they think you were just a grandmother like anyone else's grandmother, that was old and ready to die.  I want to scream and shake NO!!  You are so much more.  I am so much closer to you than anyone else, including my own mother.  You were so healthy, so full of life. Not sick, or weak, just waiting for "your time".  It was such a hard, rough shock to have you die so quickly.  But that is pure selfishness talking.  I know in my head it was an immense blessing, and just the way you would have wanted and deserved it to be.  It was blessing for a very righteous, service filled life, reserved for you from a loving Heavenly Father who knew the desires of your heart. But I still miss you.

It is nearly overwhelming when I think how long it will be until I get to "catch up" with you again.  I try desperately to avoid thinking about that, because its still just too hard.  I hope to one day get to the point when I can lovingly think of chatting again.

During random times of the day my mind, almost subconsciously, drifts to the morning you passed away.  And always to one particular moment.  The time when I held your hand, smoothed out your fingers, felt your hard strong nails that I was envious of my whole life, laughed at the bruising and puncture wounds, knowing just where those came from.  Your hands were you, and will perhaps be one of the images I remember with the greatest detail.

Oh Nana.  I wish I could have had one more visit.  One more chat, one more phone call.  One more box.  One more newspaper clipping, one more inspired round of advice, one more tight enveloping hug, one more offer of your ever present & ready hanky.