You know you may have a problem....

when:

•  Your 7+month old comfortably wears 0/3 month clothing.  Still plenty of room to grow in.  
• Said 0/3 mth pants still don't fit him.  In fact you're pretty sure you could fit two of them in the said 0/3 mth pants.  
• You and your incredibly handsome, loving, understanding husband high five each other happily when your 7 + mth old eats a whopping 4.5 ounces.  That's one great feeding. 
• Said baby gets cranky, and you get excited...maybe he's hungry?!?  And he's letting me know!  shoot. nope.  only ate 2 ounces.  
•  Your home health nurse gives you that look after weighing said baby.  You know that look, without sound, lifting one eyebrow, as if to say, "really?  that's all ya got?" 
• At the end of the night you nervously add up the numbers...hoping maybe your memory was wrong and he ate much more than you remembered...
• You hate it when you smile when you are nervous, so you look like you're actually happy that those you trust your baby's care to have decided it's time to tube feed. 
• somewhere back in your mind you've thought all along that maybe he's not as sick as it seems.  Maybe everyone is just overacting and being really cautious.  But for some reason when the decision is made to tube feed (it seems like such a big step back) you realize that he really isn't doing as hot as you hoped. 

Please, Please, Please don't get me wrong.  I.am.not complaining.  I love my baby, I love that I  have a baby to worry and fret over.  I was told I might not have that chance last summer.  I know there are many who would love to be where I am at, I know there are many who have it much much worse.  Still this is my situation and sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed.  Yet, I'm not sure that's really true. I feel a little sad, but I feel completely supported.  I feel sad that Cole yet again has to face something else that will be painful and that his young mind won't understand why it has to be done.  It feels like he has had so many of those situations.  But with all the worry and concern, I know it's not for naught.  I know that I have a Heavenly Father who knows everything, and has a plan not only for me, but for Cole.  I humbly think of the wonderful people who have come into our lives as a result of Cole's situation and feel gratitude.  I know Cole will be strengthened as he goes through these difficulties, and I pray he will feel angels around him giving him comfort.  Yes, these past 7 + mths have been difficult.  Full of doctors, therapists, specialists, weekly injections, pokes, and unfamiliar surroundings.  But these past 7 + months have been wonderful.  I appreciate the milestones he reaches so much more.  They may be late, but boy do we cheer when they are reached.  My heart nearly bursts with pride and happiness when I see him roll to his tummy, he's finally got it!  Holding him while he sleeps after he eats his last bottle for night, memorizing every feature, feeling his weight in my arms and smelling that special baby smell.  I cherish that.  Getting excited when I hear him wake up in the mornings, knowing he's going to smile so wide for me when I go in to get him.  Loving him.  Loving the opportunity I get to raise him.  Come what may and LOVE it.